It has been months. No, years since I left the comfort of home. I have traveled over the ocean to cheap, shady cities, crawled through dry deserts, fought through untamed forests of all kinds. It was an expensive and dreary trip, but I made it. I left so many people behind, and sacrificed so many things that I wanted, but it’s all worth it. I continue to climb this mountain, through the snowstorm, in the thick of night to reach the place of opportunities. The studio that was built by angels, Studio 888. This studio airs the most famous show called, Your Spotlight. Anyone from anywhere can be casted, regardless of their background. All you have to do is show off your skills, talent, innovative ideas, and even research hypotheses. As long as you believe you have something to offer, they’ll shower you with opportunities. People with resources like to watch the show live in the studio. People like producers, investors, managers, scouts, you name it. If they like what you offer, they’ll let you sign a contract on the spot. Now that I’m here, I can show them what I can do and sign that paper. No more living in filth, no more financial struggle, no more of this mediocre living and pretending to be happy, no more of eating the same cheap food, no more life changing minor inconvenience. Just no more struggling. I want freedom and peace. I know for a fact that I can capture someone’s eyes. Even at my young age. I have so much to offer in this world. And the fact that I made it this far and did all that hard work proves that I deserve that spotlight.

Finally, I arrive at the top of the mountain. I walk into the gaping hole on the steep mountain’s side with my oversized backpack and climbing gear, stumbling in the dark. I am fine with this. I chose to come here during the small hours. I must be the first in line to get the best opportunities. I eventually feel the door handle. I spare no time going into the studio. It’s built into the cave’s wall. To my surprise, there are hundreds of people already here, hours before the show starts. The warm, long, greenish blue hallway with white, dirty tiles, is lit with dim, eco-friendly lights that’s attached to the cave’s ceiling. The whole area is crammed with people from all over the world, and more still coming in. At this time of morning! I guess I’m not the only ambitious person in this world.

What felt like many minutes passed by. I’m at the front of this never-ending line. One of the staff escorts me into one of the green rooms. The walls of the chilly room are literally vibrant green, and the floors are glossy white tiles. There’s a large TV mounted on the wall, and a light brown, cushiony, leather sofa in front of it, on the side near the door. On the other side of the room behind the sofa, is a large wooden table with a huge platter of food, and a water cooler next to it. At the back-side of the room there is a reading nook filled with books and a beige, leather reading chair. On the opposite side are many rows of wall mounted wooden shelves starting from four feet above the ground and heads up to the natural cave ceiling, filled with old nick-nacks.

“You can come out when you’re ready, or wait until you get called.”, she said with a quick smile. Immediately she leaves. I can’t believe I’m here. I’m so close to success, I can feel it. I’m still surprised that there are so many people here for the opportunity. I find it very odd. The show doesn’t air often, and is always desperately asking people to sign up. I wonder why. I sit on the sofa with my finger on my chin. Maybe most people have cold feet and leave their dreams behind before their big break. Pfft! They rather live in regret all because of fear. This is the biggest opportunity the universe can offer. I would rather fight fear than give this up. The long, hard journey led me here. I’m not letting all that effort and time go to waste by leaving when I’m just inches away from escaping this mediocre life. I’m never leaving this room! Not until it’s my time to shine. I take off my bag and put it in the corner by the door. I snugly sit in the sofa as the soft leather cradles me. It will probably take a while. I might as well get comfortable.

It feels like hours have passed by. But I’m fine with that. I have a mountain of granola bars, fresh fruit, water, and shelter. And my chances of becoming a success is just beyond that door. I shouldn’t rush anything. Don’t want to mess up now by being too eager. I’ll just wait a little bit later. 

Even though there aren’t any windows, I just know days have passed. I have started to watch the TV. The only shows I can watch are the news and the show I’m supposed to be on. The things that those people out there are doing … it-it’s … I just know if I was on that stage, I would’ve done something way better. If those people can get a deal and make enough for financial freedom doing that, only the lord knows how much I could be making. It pisses me off that I’m not on that stage right now becoming a success. It should be me! Suddenly the lights flicker. The power goes out. Augh, where’s my flashlight? I pat myself all over. I then stumble to my backpack, looking for my phone. Now that the ac is off, I can hear the murmuring from the other side of the door. They sound distant but busy. Probably too busy for me. I get it. There are a lot of people out there. I light up the room with a headband flashlight from my backpack pocket. I’ll just wait a bit longer, they’ll call me soon enough.

Weeks pass by. There’s nothing to do but stare at the walls, or watch people fulfill their dreams in the most stupidest way. Why aren’t I successful now? It’s maddening. The fruits on the table have started to rot. Power outages are starting to become a common thing. Everything annoys me at this point. When I get this way, I start to watch the news. But sometimes it gives me anxiety. The world is changing but not me. I don’t have the resources to accommodate myself if I leave at this point. Everything out there is different and dangerous. Staying here is my safest bet, even though the room gradually starts to smell of mold. Also, there are patches of algae on the rock ceiling. Power has gone out more than it stays on. The room has become slightly humid. I’ve started to notice when the power goes out, I don’t hear any voices beyond the door like I used to. I hope they haven’t forgotten me. I’m still waiting.

I’m sure months have glided by. I’ve stopped keeping track of the days. What’s the point? They’re all the same. The only thing different is the algae from the ceiling dripping water. The only window to the outside world is through the screen of the TV. I have seen people, friends, and family on the news or on the show, moving forward in life. Some in a good way. Some in a bad way. And some in a great way. It hurts to see the life they have. It physically hurts my chest. I want what they have. That should’ve been me out there doing great things. I pace around the room as my mind runs rampant. Why isn’t it me out there becoming a success? I have worked so hard to get here. Why aren’t I in the spotlight? I balled my fist. I’m still waiting for my success. This irritates me. In fact, everything irritates me. I hate this room, the wall color, the smell of rot from the trash by the door, the bathroom, the food, the nick-nacks, the dripping ceiling. I even hate the sound of it dripping. Sometimes I hate myself. Why am I not successful? Everything is just … just. Tears start to stream from my eyes and mucus clogs my nose. Is this my life now? Stuck in this room. I try to distract myself by watching the news. It normally works. But it seems like every time I watch it, things outside seem to get worse. This is the part where I worry if there’s still going to be a world out there by the time I get out of here. I don’t think this constant fluctuation between anger and anxiety is healthy, because every morning I’ve started to wake up with a splitting headache.

Suddenly the ground shakes. The ceiling cracks. Bits of it fall, smashing the tiles. I cower under the food table after pushing away the heavy five-gallon water bottles. I watch the nick-nacks and book shimmy and shake off the shelves. The water cooler eventually tips over. Just then, a huge slab of the ceiling falls onto the TV, crushing it. My only window to the outside world, destroyed. The ground quakes for a minute, but the mess it caused will take hours to clean. Thanks to it, there’s a gaping hole in the ceiling leaking water. Food and gallons of water are all over the place. All the books and nick-nacks block the walkway to the bathroom. I don’t even want to look in that direction any more. The tiles are shattered by the debris in different areas, and wet gravel drench the brown leather sofa. I look around the room for towels. The only thing I find are hand towels from the bathroom sink cabinet. To be honest, I’m not even supposed to clean this up. It’s not my mess. I didn’t even cause it. What upsets me now is that no one has yet to come check on me. In fact, it has been a long while since I saw another person. I’m so isolated. I hope whatever I’m waiting for is worth it.

I’m just going to say a few days have sneaked by. I have no way of telling for sure. The place is still a mess from that earthquake. I have lost the will power to do anything. Cleaning feels like an overwhelming task. I don’t even know if I can do my thing in front of a crowd anymore. I don’t remember why that’s important, but it’s true.  

Out of the blue or should I say, the gray, a man falls from the hole above where the TV was. The malodorous man is wearing stained, casual clothing. His exposed skin is filled with bug bites. He’s soiled, swollen, and sweaty. I back away to the other side of the room. After minutes of catching his breath. He looks at me. 

“Oh! Sorry about that.”, he said. “You wouldn’t believe me, but I’m being followed.” 

“Followed?”, I repeated. He’s being followed. As in, more people will be here? Will I get in trouble if I harbor people here? 

“Yeah. Followed by ants.”, he said. Oh my Gleam, he is a psycho. “Wait a second, why are you here?”, he asked with an arched brow. 

“This is the green room for the Your Spotlight show.”. My eyes widen as I just remember why I’m here. I’m waiting for someone to call me. 

“Oh, that famous show where anyone can become rich by showing off their skills. Pssh! The people who received success from that show do the stupidest and most useless things.”. My jaw drops a little with a smile. 

“I know right! I was telling myself that. I can’t wait until it’s my turn to go on stage. I know my thing is going to blow everyone away, and change the world for the better.”. He eyes me up and down with a slight sneer. 

“I hope so. I’m sick of silly people doing silly things and making a living doing that, while I worked my freaking skin off my whole life to barely reach their status. Life is so unfair. If I wasn’t running for my life, I’d have something to say to the producers.” He suddenly stops talking, looking around. “If you’re going on that show, why are you in this dump, in the old section?” My posture crumbles as I look away for a second. 

“There was an earthquake. No one came to check up on me.” 

“Why didn’t you clean it? In here smells!”. I twist my face towards the fetid man. His eyes slowly pop out of his head. “Smells! That’s how they keep finding me. Do you have a bathroom.” I point to it. “Jeesh!”, he said as he looked at the clutter by the bathroom door. 

He made his way inside the half bathroom and locks. Luckily there is enough soap to last, but the food, no. I have to hide them. I rush to the table. Oh my— I snatched the old fruit platter. I use it as a … mess holder. It holds substances that this place fails to accommodate. I grab as many granola bars as I can, and stash them all over the room. I haven’t realized how disgusting I’ve been living. It’s like I got accustomed to it. I hate this place— wait a second. Did he say this was the old section? Did he mean the section where they keep the cast who were here a long time, or did he mean they built a new section and left me here. This would explain the lack of attention. Or, maybe the earthquake damaged this area badly, but my room is fine compared to the others. They’re probably going to get me later. I just need to be patient.  

Suddenly, the sound of many footsteps marching, creeps into my ear. I walk around the room, trailing it. I found the spot! It’s coming from the hole in the ceiling. Is there an army coming? Was that earthquake a missile strike? No, it can’t be. The marching … It sounds particular. Just then, the man comes out of the bathroom looking slightly cleaner, smelling like cheap artificial lemon. I hope he didn’t use up all of the industrial size liquid hand soap. He looks at me with widened eyes.

“Do-do you see anything?”, he stuttered.

“No. I see nothing, but I heard something.” 

“It must be them.”, he said as he began to hyperventilate. “I have to get out of here!”. He runs to the door. 

“Wait!” He stops and turns to me. “Before you leave, did you say this is the old section? What did you mean?” 

“They upgraded the studio and added an extension to the building.”, he said as he opened the door. I run to him and block the door. 

“Wait. Can you tell them that someone is here in the old section still waiting?”

“What! No! I’m not going that way.” 

“Please.”, I begged with clasped hands. He rolls his eyes.

“Okay”. With a smile I let him out. The fresh air from the other side is so refreshing. I haven’t felt this bliss in a long while. I close the door behind him. Now I understand what he meant by the smell. It’s awful compared to out there … oh, the awful smell is gone. I probably got used to it. I hope he tells the staff I’m still here for me, even though I’m a complete stranger living in filth and what I’m asking seems to be inconvenient to him … Maybe he’ll tell them regardless. He seems to be going through something, but my problems are bigger than his. Ants of all things. He’s running away from ants. I roll my eyes. Suddenly, a sea of red gushes out of the hole in the ceiling. Screaming, I immediately jump on top of the food table. 

“What is that!”, I screamed. I scrutinize the water. After a few seconds of looking at it, I realize it’s not liquid, but in fact gallons of ants. This is strange ant behavior. I have never seen them do anything like this. The sea of ants concentrates by the bathroom. I guess his old scent still lingers there. Should I leave? The guy said they have a new area, and it seems like they have forgotten that I’m here. Not to mention all these ants. I guess the guy’s problem was serious. He probably won’t have time to let them know. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, he doesn’t really owe me anything. Why would he risk his life for me? After several minutes, the ant dwindled away under the door. I must say, this is the most exciting day I have ever had in a long time. I’m starting to miss the outside world. The great big world, filled with excitement and adventure. Pure stimulation. But I must wait here, just in case he did tell them. After I succeed, I can afford to do anything. Maximum positive stimulation. I’ll wait.

About a year slipped by. I know it has been a year because I got a notification saying it’s my birthday. Funny, today doesn’t feel as special like it used to. And I can’t believe I forgot about my phone. I was so excited to be here, that I left it at the bottom of my bag, eventually stashing it by the cluttered reading nook. I totally forgot about my resources. I can now live a bit better, even though there is no Wi-Fi. I head to the door and open it. Ever since that guy came in last year, food has been dropped off by the door. Right on schedule, more granola bars, protein bars with dried fruit, bottles of water, and sanitary necessities. I pick up the plastic bag of goods and put it on the table. I’m sick of eating this. I want to eat healthier, or at least something more flavorful. I miss having my taste buds tingle with excitement. I eat one of the granola bars, seasoned with tears that roll off my lip. I’m still waiting for my success. I hope all of this is worth it.

This room never used to smell. Now it does. It stinks, but I got used to it. The power never used to go out. Now, having power is a weird occurrence. The walls were once vibrant green. Now they’re flaking and have a gross pale, grayish green color. There never used to be a hole in the ceiling, and the sofa used to be the most comfortable spot in the room. Not to mention there was once a TV. Now, the sofa is infested with mold, and the ceiling above where the TV was, is a big hole. The wall connected to it is covered with slimy green algae. The bathroom now is barely clean. The area near it is still cluttered with books and nick-nacks. Augh! When will it be my time to shine, and get out of here? I have been waiting for years at this point. My birthday has come and go several times. I’ve stopped paying attention to them. They’re just like every other day. The same boring drag. Maybe it’s best I don’t acknowledge it. I don’t want to be reminded that I’m still in the same position for years. Still waiting for my big break. It feels so close, but I have been saying that for years. Maybe I should go home. But if I do … I’ve been away so long, going back will be like starting all over again. So much time wasted. If I went back home when I wanted to all those years ago, I probably could make somewhat of a good life. I should wait a little longer. I don’t want to end up back at the bottom.

Time passes by. I don’t know the exact amount. Time is just numbers anyways. My head throbs and pounds constantly. I’m slowly finding it harder to breathe. I have rashes, coughs with disgusting mucus, a healthy dose of diarrhea along with nausea, and occasional vomiting. I think it’s because of this nasty room no one cleans. I find this room uncleanable. I should start hanging out by the cluttered reading nook. I walk to it. Phew! That bathroom smells! At least it’s better than inhaling mold.

More time went by where I’m alone with my thoughts. How long has it been since I started living by the nook? Most of my symptoms are gone, but the head ache stays. Now my knees and back hurt. I’m finding it hard to do simple things. And my skin feels loose. Am I dying?

I’m assuming more years pass by. After all this time, I just remember why I came here in the first place … again. I have been waiting for so long. Why are they doing this? I know in my heart I’m good enough. I worked hard to get here. Where is my success? My jaw clenches. Why am I still waiting? My fist tightens. I worked hard to get here. I traveled and studied. I even climbed a goddamn mountain! My blood boils. I spent so much time and effort, all those years ago. Where is my spotlight! My life has been stagnant. Nothing really has changed. I feel trapped in a box. It’s driving me crazy. I’m to the point where I’m starting to see things in the corner of my eyes. I find myself wandering around the room mindlessly, not knowing where my feet are carrying me. My head constantly pulsates with every breath. I would cry at random times. Most of the time I don’t know why. I guess my body is sad, sadder than my soul. I hate this. I stand up from the worn-out reading chair and kick the books, scattering them even more. My eyes caught sight of a title. How to better your life. Since I’m still here waiting, I might as well read a little.

It has been months since I have discovered that book. Have learned many things. Like how I should enjoy life a little, learn some new skills, etc. I have been reading and studying all the books in the nook. Started to solve all the adult mechanical and brain-teasers puzzles that were on the knick-knack shelf. I even started to clean the room. I push that moldy sofa to the far corner by the hole. Mold and algae stay in one corner. I even put a blanket over the sofa to mask the smell and spores. I start to practice my performance, my presentation of myself and my skills set. I haven’t realized how rusty I’ve become. Perhaps it was a good thing I waited. I’ll continue to wait while I continue to sharpen my skills.

Since I read that book, I have been keeping track of my time. It’s been … many years. Too many to think about. I took a long look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Like, really look at myself. I look nothing like I used to. I am old. My life is almost over. I barely got to live it. I spent most of it waiting. At least I still have my physical health from exercising, and mental health from doing puzzles. A part of me wants to cry. I don’t want to, but the tears manage to escape anyway. Where’s my spotlight? My lips quiver. Where is my success? Did I wait too long? Will I die here like this? Forever inches away from success. I’m literally in Studio 888. The biggest opportunity in the world. I’m here. Where’s my reward? Where is the financial freedom? The ability to travel, access to fresh real food with flavor, where’s all the things I always wanted. Where is it! My body begins to shake. I have been waiting for so long. These thoughts fly around in my head for hours. I eventually take deep breaths. My body relaxes a little. I’ll wait until I figure out the answers.

Another day comes and goes. The thought that years have slipped pass, feels unreal. They felt like months. I would hate for another year to sneak past me again. You know what, I’m done waiting. They are going to cast me, whether they like it or not. I freshen up the best I can, then exit the room with my backpack, for the first time in years. I march down the musty, dim hall with a scowl. The silence slowly fades out by distant cheering and murmuring. The dim hall gradually lights up with rays of light. Eventually, I reached the double metal door. As soon as I go through, bright lights flash into my eyes, cool air grace my skin, and the smell of many perfumes fills my nose. I look around in awe. Everything is so clean and shiny. The walls are white with framed pictures of happy people. The floor looks like beige marble. The wide hall accommodates numerous people without looking claustrophobic. I really would like to explore, but I’ve wasted enough time.

After several minutes, I found the stage. What I assumed to be the new host walks towards the center with the traditional gold and white suit. I stomp towards him. He does a double take in my direction then looks around. 

“Who are you?”, he asked. My face becomes more scrunched.

“What do you mean ‘who are you’? I was casted long time ago. I was in your green room waiting to be called!”, I shouted with balled fists. 

“So.”, he said with the corner of his nose raised while eyeing me up and down. “Everyone who comes here wants to be on this show. Typically, we have too many people who make the effort to be here and wait in the room. Sometimes a few get overlooked. That’s why we suggest cast members come out when they’re ready. If you didn’t continue your journey onto the stage and waited for long, then you’re meant to stay there waiting.”, he said, poking his finger into my face. With a tightened scowl, resisting the urge to bite his finger as my blood boils even hotter with every word that comes out of his pathetic lips. “What makes you so special that you should be noticed over the billions of people on this planet. What’s your skills? What’s your developed gift? What do you possibly have to offer.”, he said with his head trailing his rolling eyes.

The big golden velvet curtain rolls up. After all these years, it’s finally my time to shine. I push the host out of the way and get what I need from my backpack to show the world why I was created. I did what you expected with the highest endeavor. I did what I always wanted to do, and I have everyone on the edge of their seats. As soon as I finish, the audience stands with an ovation. For the first time in years, a genuine smile appears on my face. It was so big that tears burst out of my eyes. I wipe the stream of tears as the host approaches me with a wide smile.

“Wow! Wow! Wow! How did it take us so long to find someone like you?”, he said into the microphone. I immediately sneer.

“You overlooked me and basically abandoned me!”, I told him. He twists his face. 

“You just made yourself less appealing”, he said. I gasp. “If you really wanted to be a success, you would’ve worked hard and continue to work hard. Just like time, success doesn’t wait for anyone. If you decided to wait for a long time, that’s your fault.”, he preached. I balled my fist.

“My fault! You had me in there waiting forever.”

“Did I?” 

“Yes. You’re in charge of this show.”, I explained. The host rolls his eyes.

“You’re one of those people. We get them every now and then.”, he said with narrowed eyes looking at me. 

The host does his signature sign off. The stagehand escorts me to the VIP backstage area, during their usual intermission. This is when people with resources want to invest in a person. I look for those in the big leagues. The only ones that want to do a deal with me are the desperate newcomers. Still, it was a number of them. Any one of these opportunities will set me up for good. I’m so glad I didn’t go back home. I would have never had this chance.

A few years pass by. Life is so much better. I’ve accumulated above average amount of wealth for my age. Which is good. My boss and I had a discussion last week. It constantly plays back in my head. He told me I’m too old. I must retire or make it work as it is. It took me so long to be found, that I missed the chance of doing this in my prime. ‘Your success is short lived in the spotlight, but at least you got to be seen’, he said. 

He was right. I look in the mirror, and graze the wrinkles on my face with my liver spotted hand. Where did all my time go? I gasp. The green room. I fiddle with my stiff fingers. Maybe I was in there too long. I stayed in the same place that gave me very little joy, not moving me forward. I barely enjoyed my life. I waited the whole time. Now it’s almost over. I could’ve had this and more, sooner. Could’ve lived a better life longer instead of only at the end. I didn’t get those years back. Why did I wait so long to do this? I still have time left since I’m breathing. Can I do more? Have I reached my potential? Am I still waiting to live my life?